you have to make your life what you want it to be. it won’t just happen to you. you have to hold it so tight in your hands you feel suffocated at first, as if you’re shoving your own soul into the shape you want it to be.
right now my soul feels formless and void. well, not entirely. i’ve mashed it up a little these past few years, squeezing into a teachery shape, but i’m not sure that’s the one for me. it feels tight, and suffocating, a little overwhelming. not the work – the kids themselves. i only have 8 students, and that’s eight huge voices demanding and getting all my attention all the time for most of my week. and it’s exhausting. i come home every day exhausted, and i don’t have this vision underneath to support me. i just feel tired. not the good kind. the tired kind.
so what am i doing now? where am i going? why do i need to know? i don’t. i just panic when i don’t. working on that.
this life of mine right now is what i’ve made of it, and is a result of every choice that has led me to korea. where i go from here is also in my hands, a result of my choices, a testament to the decisions and steps i take or don’t take every moment. all the time. that’s a lot of pressure, but it also gives a sense of purpose. a sense that i can find that purpose. so that’s where i’m heading. out looking.